a journey
It’s very hot in AZ. Also there was lightning.
I have always had trouble with motivation. I have great ideas, and understand what I ought to be doing at any given time, but actually DOING it is sometimes a struggle. I suppose this comes with the territory of depression, but I hate it. Over the years I’ve tried everything, just about. Here are a couple things that have worked for me.
1.Put on your shoes.
I just- put my shoes on. This means something to my mind, apparently, because once my shoes are on, I start doing things almost right away, I don’t know why this works, but it does. Socks are a half measure and will get me to the kitchen for coffee but no further. Pants will get me from the bed to the couch. But shoes? I’ll end up doing something useful within an hour or so.
2.Close the bathroom door and turn the water on in the sink.
I have had a long hard fight with maintaining hygiene over the years. If I don’t think to myself “I’m gonna brush my teeth” but simply go into the bathroom and lock the door, then turn on the water…somehow I immediately brush my teeth. It’s like the shoes- it just works. I don’t let myself think about it. I just turn on the water as soon as I go in there. I usually have to use the bathroom right away when I wake up, so I turn the water on right when I walk in. I know it wastes a little water to have it run for a minute, but it’s the way that works, and I stick with what works these days.
3. Keep medicine next to the bed.
This works for me because I take my medicine in the morning and at night, not during the day. Except for one medicine, which I just take with me.
4. Don’t bring your laptop or phone to bed with you.
You will HAVE to get up to entertain yourself. Even just to entertain yourself. It’s way too easy to start reading something online and laze around with it.
5. Don’t rush.
I have been waking up at least an hour before I have to get ready, this past year. This gives me time to slowly wake, to get my head together before I have to get out of bed. I can get pants on and socks and get coffee early then relax for a while if I want, but on days when I really need to kind of slowly rise from the depths, it’s a lifesaver.
6. Have your clothes ready and some food ready for the morning.
Since I am at my perkiest right before bed, I grab my clothes for the next day and set them out. I try to also put out the things I need to make food with in the morning too. In fact, the more nighttime-me is considerate of morning-me, the easier mornings become.
As for cleaning the house and stuff, I have no idea. I go long times not wanting to do anything, and then suddenly have a zeal for it and will whirlwind my whole house. Sometimes just one area, sometimes everything over the course of a few days. I am still figuring that one out. Any suggestions?
(this post was originally drafted, in a much shorter form, on: May 15, 2012)
I am childfree, and do not feel comfortable around, nor interested in, kids.
They disturb my mind in many ways. I do not have interest in them.
I do however remain childlike as myself; my life is lived even now as a Ville Villekulla, a bright and giddy place full of friends and art and craft and fun, and freedom. I live now the way I dreamt I would live when I was a child. I have built the life of my youthful daydreams into reality around me like a coiled shell.
It satisfies me.
Dr. Seuss had little interest in children. He found them disturbing to his peace of mind, he stated that he was opposed to the population boom, and he rarely made time for children in his life. He and his wife had no children, didn’t want them.
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(Originally Published on: Oct 26, 2011)
He lived in his imaginary world IN REAL LIFE, and the cares and concerns and woes that a child requires would not allow those things to stand. So he stayed away from children, for the most part.
“Adults are just obsolete children and the hell with them both.””~Dr. Seuss
He did not enjoy the noise and commotion of children, and thought that perhaps if they were encouraged to use their minds and their imaginations instead of screeching and leaping around, they would become more capable and interesting adults one day.
“This book is to be read in bed.”
― Dr. Seuss
Theodore Giessel was a very active man with unlimited skills in doggerel and inking strange creatures to fit. He was childfree- he had no children and wanted none.
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.. (more…)
Spent the day and night signing and packing and prepping every copy of the Horrors that’s been ordered so far.
I am covered in papercuts, I have emptied several large gel pens, and ran out of labels. I’ve got about fifty signed copies left after packing these all up. You can order them here: http://resonanteye.net/2014/08/22/the-horrors-orders/
I have to go soak my wrist now.
GO BUY ONE AND SHARE THE LINK AND MAKE ME GET MORE PAPERCUTS FROM THESE EVIL ENVELOPES PLEASE
new prints and shirts ^^^
and some random stuff…vvv
new prints and shirts ^^^
and some random stuff…vvv
Originally published 02/02/2012.
It comes as a wave. It builds. It is slow, and heavy, and at first it feels as if I can continue to stand in it, and resist the current.
When one’s body is broken, it is visible. Others can see the broken parts sticking out, smell the rot, assess the damage and quantify the exact amount of sympathy, decide upon a course of action. The dark inside is different. The body shows it, yes, but not in ways that can be understood by anyone who has not been sucked under.
The darkness rises, and the current underneath will lift and grab. One’s whole being, the air around, the muscles give way.
Just get up. Just shower and shave and do the dishes and feed the dog and wash the clothes and cook food and pay a bill and go to work and
None of these things are possible. When you’re standing on the shore these are easy things, simple, small things. In the grip of the current the only fight is not to get sucked under completely, to keep the head above the surface enough to steal a breath.
And another, and another. Because you can’t just stop breathing.
I know I should just talk directly about my own experience, here. I know I should be specific. But how can I? How can I?
I have smelled my own stench when a week of the darkness has left me washed up on the shore. I’ve been catatonic- seen shapes in the shadows. I’ve felt pain in places where my body is not. And when the body is hurt, broken, or ill, the darkness knows, and rushes forward to seize its chance.
Being alone, in pain, and having the dark wash up on you is something you must, and most will, experience in life. You cannot understand it until it comes, and when you have been through it you will have changed. The darkness leaves a mark on you that can’t be washed away by all the sunlight and blowing curtains and fresh water you can muster.
It passes, and it’s gone. Once it’s come and gone you know it can come again, though. And that haunted feeling will stay.
Good times are good times. And they are best because the darkness has been and gone. The shadows make all the light around them richer.
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