originally posted in 2010:

In 2003, on the 4th of July, I tried to kill myself.

from that time:

“I feel pain, and I don’t know where to put it or what to do. I am also SO FUCKING ANGRY that I wanna blow up, tear up, the world sometimes. I am striving not to take that out on the people around me. I am striving for “alone time”. I am striving for…clarity. I cannot make up my mind about anything. Everything I could do now that is good, feels like my second choice in direction, and not a close second either, but a booby prize. And I don’t know if I can do all the things the world wants me to do and that I’m supposed to do, because I feel utterly exhausted even thinking about the smallest thing.”

Mopery! (I know mopery actually means something else.) I was utterly destroyed at the time. I had been in my worst, lowest kind of depression for months, and then began a long protracted breakup as well, that weekend.

It was one of the lowest times of my entire life. I lived through it, and it’s a little fresh today, so I won’t go into too much detail right now. But I will say that I have not tried again, my life has changed for the better, and my ability to weather down times has grown- and that I am glad I survived, and am here.

I wasn’t selfish- I was in pain. I wasn’t a coward- I was at the end of my rope. I know that if you have never been that far down, inside, you don’t understand that. I am glad that you don’t because it really is bad. Suicide, for some people at some times, is like a dog chewing off a leg to escape a trap.

I’m going to spend today, unlike every other year so far- nurturing the crap out of myself, instead of partying with my people. It’s a good day. I’m free, and I’m alive.

You guys, light a firecracker or ten for me. I’ll see you at the next shindig.

and it’s snowing

it’s been up into the 70s F the past week and today it froze and snowed.

minor site updates!

I’ve rearranged and freshened up a little.

there’s now a garden page, I will be fleshing out a little better.

I finally put in a portfolio gallery, it still needs a little work.

And the main page has new image and links!

fresh tattoos under the fold.

(more…)

some recent works, smoky days

air quality is so bad right now.

I’ve been tattooing as usual, though:

(more…)

putting together the art studio

all of my gear has been packed up for months waiting to be moved into the studio building.

the last few days I’ve started to set up.

 

(more…)

villain day at work

where to find my work and me

active:

here! resonanteye.net

https://tiktok.com/resonanteye (mostly garden videos)

https://tumblr.com/resonanteye

rarely active:

https://youtube.com/resonanteye

https://patreon.com/resonanteye (art not tattoos posted here first, I don’t make anything from it at the moment)

inactive/reposts only:

twitter.com/resonanteye

facebook.com/resonanteye

instagram.com/resonanteye

I’m backing away from most social media as a primary posting location, it’s a process, but my work and essays and events will be announced here and on Patreon going forward. reposts from the site will go to sm after a brief pause.

I’ll be maintaining groups, friendships and portfolios at all sites but am in the process of removing content and migrating it here.

love you guys. thanks for still being around!

storms/a bird in flight

on a favorite client; Stevie Nicks as the storm, bird, floral base. the rain and flowers will eventually fill the back and inside of her arm, making it a sleeve.

jalapeno burn

the pain started two hours after I chopped and scraped the seeds out of what tasted like VERY mild jalapenos. I figured they were so mild, they wouldn’t burn.

I took a huge bite, it was sweet like a bell pepper. BETRAYAL

I took a huge bite, it was sweet like a bell pepper. BETRAYAL

NO. no no no no no no no no no no no no no.

I worked with 3lbs of them, and that was more than enough.

all of the suggestions you will find online, only work if you catch the capsaicin oil BEFORE it starts burning! if it’s in the surface, just starting to hurt. if you catch it quickly, you can try

rub oil into your hands, deeply, and let it sit

wash with blue dawn dish soap or other grease cutting soap, in the hottest water you can stand

repeat at least 3 times

Me though? I didn’t start to treat this until hours later and by then it was too late for the home remedies. For washing. That oil was absorbed- under the skin, not on it. You can’t wash it off.

I tried every single thing online that I could find. Vinegar soak. Olive oil/hot water washing. Mustard. Baking soda. Maalox. Bleach cleaner. Milk. Alcohol. Yogurt. Stainless steel. Salt. Milk soak. Aloe. Lemon juice. A lemon. An onion. Butter. Crisco. Sugar.

After several dozen ridiculous attempts, I realized that it was too late to do that shit.

Icepack, pain relief. that’s it. once it’s been a few hours, that’s all you can do.

1. wash your hands as well as you can, cold water feels nice. oil-reducing soap is good I guess.

2. apply blue gel, lidocaine, or anbesol/orajel to the entire affected area. allow it to absorb.

3. once it’s dried, apply a thin layer of any beeswax based/oily salve to hold the lidocaine to the skin surface. this will increase the time it lasts.

4. take a damn pain pill. I took ibuprofen. I might go on up to a codeine pill if it goes back to the pain I was at earlier- easily an 8/10! right now it’s just tenderness, and a Tylenol or Ibuprofen is enough.

5. take an antihistamine. Benadryl is best, Claritin works. this keeps inflammation down a little- your skin won’t be so red and irritated.

6. do not touch your eyes, genitals, mouth. don’t touch other people’s sensitive bits. you have to wait until your hands have used the capsaicin up- according to a paper I read that can take up to 24 hours. so be cautious during this time.

7.you can put on nitrile gloves if you like. I found they made the lidocaine wear off faster (maybe due to the warmth)

8. avoid touching ANYTHING warm/hot, and ANYTHING with capsaicin in it (even a sweet bell pepper!) for a few days. your nerve endings need to heal, your body needs to process that capsaicin. give it time.

I must have put a hundred condiments and unguents and cleaning supplies on my hands tonight. I spent hours trying.

just treat the pain, don’t reexpose your hands to heat or the chemical that hurt you. and don’t touch your eyes!!! OR YOUR JUNK. I MEAN IT.

bedtime stories I’ve read

 

(more…)

Older »

This is a unique website which will require a more modern browser to work!

Please upgrade today!