process; intent
…
quarantine paintings: series two
the first series were all 18×24″
these are larger, 22×30″. looser.
more emotional.
I had a difficult time working on the first series, with a lot of stops and starts. I’ve added the last few to that post.
series two: updated as I go.
“Busting the Line, Nebraska”
22×30″, watercolor
“Audience Participation, London”
22×30″, watercolor
Houston has its Time
22×30″, watercolor
Calling in the Forces, Sunflowers
22×30″ watercolor
Skating in New York City
watercolor, 22×30″
The world is in a flux, a liminal moment.
These are times when creating anything is difficult for me. I feel that collective unease, hope, fear, pain, anticipation. And I have all those feelings. It can get overwhelming.
I’ve never been good at actually starving- in times when I’m suffering, broke, afraid, it’s harder for me to do any work at all, let alone anything I feel is any good. Hard times make hard art, for me.
Yet here I am, trying.
I’ve applied for every grant I can find and not gotten one. No SBA, or anything. I did get a stimulus check- that’s about what I earn a week, and I’m still paying off bills related to being a cancer caregiver for a year (I was off work up until last fall). It didn’t stretch far. I guess we’ll see if that stuff changes for me. Regardless, these won’t be for sale for a little while. I’ll probably do a print run. I’ll try to show them. I don’t know what gallery will have them though.
Lucky me, I’ll not be homeless, unless illness strikes us again. I’m in fear of that.
I’m in fear. I’ll admit it. I don’t understand how anyone can not be, on some level. Whether admitted or not- I can feel your fear all around. The aggression in the air, the sadness, and the fear underlying it.
I feel it, you feel it, everyone is feeling it. Some will lie- but fear isn’t weakness. You’ve got to just feel it. Let it be there. Don’t panic, of course- or panic in controlled ways, I guess. But be cautious. Fear is how our natural bodies tell us there is danger, and listening to our intuition and being cautious isn’t a bad thing. Living despite fear, the name for that is bravery. You are brave.
I feel also a great protective kindness. Most people, MOST people, want to help each other. We all want to be helpful, useful, good to each other. We are not only afraid for ourselves. Those who don’t care are a minority-loud, but small. Fuck em.
This is the most reassuring thing I know, right now. I’m holding to it. I hope you can too.
The New American Death Cult, part 3: my sister didn’t even LIKE trump
We all know someone who’s seemed normal but who’s somehow gotten involved in reposted propaganda and nonsense about this stuff.
I am talking about someone who isn’t a Limbaugh listener. A yoga teacher, a coffee roaster, an office worker. Someone who isn’t even all that political really, but who is nevertheless posting heavily photoshopped images about “saving children” with random celebrities hovering like demons in the background. How did these people get sucked into a strange cult? How did regular people end up believing an antisemitic trope about “baby brains”? Why is Nevaeh even aware this shit exists?
IF ONE, THEN ALL
It starts with that tag. “save * children”.
I’ll say it. Yes, they want to die. Yes, they want to kill.
yes, they want to kill their base. yes they want to die. yes they want to get other people killed too, that’s the whole point. yes.
I see people saying things like:
“I don’t get it why would they want to support this guy”
“why fight with science do they want to die”
“does he WANT to kill his voter base”
“I don’t understand why they are so hyped on people who stand for the opposite of what they say they care about, I thought they were ‘conservative'”
“what’s the big deal about a mask”
I AM HERE TO EXPLAIN IT TO YOU. IF YOU ARE CONFUSED BY RIGHT-WING AND ALT-RIGHT BEHAVIOR, IN THIS MOMENT, I CAN EXPLAIN.
“Busting the Line, Nebraska”
22×30″, watercolor
They are NOT telling you how they really feel.
They are LYING about their motivations.
They do NOT think a million deaths would be a bad thing and they do NOT think the current pandemic is a hoax. They know it’s real.
They’re in a destructive cult.
A Death Cult.
They not only want to die (their cyanide happens to be covid 19) but they want to take as many others down as possible. They’re deep in a cult, a real cult.
It’s got a lot in common with both Pol Pot (anti science/anti knowledge) and Aum Shinrinkyo (“truthers”, trying to start the end times) cults. Since it’s American, there’s a lot more dominionist/prosperity gospel Bible thumping mixed into it, including the End Times being a good thing, punishment of their opponents, having twelve kids to make a ‘god army’, all that. Add in an American mixture of sexism, racism and -phobia and you’ve got a really poisonous stew. A melting pot of horror.
summation of the means to the end.
The underlying principles of Death Cults are always the same.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/spycatcher/201208/dangerous-cult-leaders
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cult#Destructive_cults
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cult_of_personality
you don’t owe anyone a platform.
Anything they’re saying as “reasons” for this stuff, is purely a cover story for their actual purpose. They are not having a debate with you. They are not “presenting evidence”, playing devil’s advocate, trying to find answers, whatever way you are giving them a pass- you’re wrong about it. You are reading them wrong, which is their goal. They want to spew propaganda, and every time you reply to their shit in good faith, you’re letting them do it.
You enjoy a good conspiracy, right? This one isn’t even hidden. Barely. They’re barely trying to hide it anymore.
Actually, the same reason you enjoy a good conspiracy, is the reason they got sucked into this cult, some of them. A feeling that you know more than other people, that you’re on the inside, that you are right and others are blind, a sense of belonging, feeling like you are “making a difference”. These are natural human urges, and cults use them to snare people. (we can’t ignore the racist/sexist aspects of this cult in particular, but ANY cult will appeal to these other urges-even for intelligent people)
What is an acceptable number of people to kill? For what goal? Even the goals they have, do not make sense: unless you know they are in a Death Cult and
*killing people is their actual goal*
Tomorrow I’ll tackle the ways people have gotten snagged in this- Q and the chans’ political quarantine sections have a lot to do with it. “reasonable” questions, conspiracy theories, mistrust of regulatory agencies (which have been purposely gutted to function poorly), police brutality, pay cuts for essential workers, pitting teachers against parents, and on and on.
I’ll get into that tomorrow in a follow up.
where this shit is coming from:
how to indoctrinate
*losing someone caught up in this?*
*some assistance*
getting tattooed with scars from self-harm-answers to common questions.
- In 911, clients, coverups, deep thoughts, ethics, female tattoo artist, female tattoo artist pacific northwest, female tattoo artist spokane, health and safety, journal, love, motivation, nomad tattoo artist, personal, questions, surviving your first tattoo, Tattoo, Tattoo Advice, traveling tattooer, true stories, you,
I’m not going to include many photos in this post, to provide my clients with some privacy.
side note: this information applies to most any kind of scar, not just self injury.
I’ve got some scars from self harm. I know a lot of people do. it can be really embarrassing, or feel shameful to have them seen. if they’re in really visible areas, it’s even worse.
I’ve had mine covered with tattoos (I stopped cutting years ago, when I was still fairly young). I’ve gotten images that remind me of what I’ve been through and of what I’d like my future to look like. I want you to know you’re not alone with this, first of all. I also want you to know that not only are you not alone, I have seen and tattooed worse scars than yours- burn wounds, surgical scars, all of it. yes, you may have done serious damage to yourself, but no- it’s not impossible to tattoo over it.
If you want to do this, here’s a few things to keep in mind.
- you have to stop cutting in that area and adjoining areas for at least a few months before we can start working on it. the skin can only heal so much at once, so nearby open wounds will mess up the healing process of the tattoo. if you can’t entirely stop SH/SI, try to go lighter and in a completely different area for a while before you come for a tattoo.
- make a consultation time with me first. that way we can figure out the pattern and texture of your scars and skin, what areas are “ripe” for tattooing and which may need more time. scars should be a little bit settled in before we tattoo on them, so the ink will hold properly. a consultation gives us a chance to also meet up and discuss what your goal is with the tattoo itself.
- it’s OK if your goal is ‘hide these’, it’s OK if your goal is ’emphasize these’, it’s OK if your goal is to stop SH/SI and it’s OK if your goal has nothing to do with stopping. I won’t judge. I won’t look down on you. I know that you have your own reasons, and you don’t have to explain that to me or go into detail. you don’t have to relive your troubles just so that I will tattoo you. my goal is to make you happy with your tattoo- that’s all. I’m just here to make something positive happen for you.
- minimal, crisp, geometric, thin-lined, pale, wispy art doesn’t cover or hide scars. if your goal is to camouflage the scars, we will likely end up doing painterly, saturated, textured organic shapes of some kind. branches, trees, flowers, plants, animals. things that have volume and texture. if your goal is NOT to hide or cover the scars, let me know, so that we can work out what you do want to do.
- scars that are fresh, still healing, or very livid usually don’t take ink very well. usually, moisturizing often with vitamin e and/or a good scar reducing lotion for a few months will fix this. this is yet another reason to stop harming the skin in the area you want tattooed and the surrounding area. we need to give your cell walls a chance to regenerate, to hold the ink in.
- don’t be afraid to email me or contact me EVEN IF you aren’t coming to me for the tattoo. I’ve been through some shit and I know how intimidating it can be to walk in to strangers and talk about this stuff. I can always answer questions, possibly suggest understanding artists in your area, or even just listen. I think everyone deserves a good experience when getting tattooed, and I’m here for that if you need it.
- you’re likely to get an endorphin high during or after the tattoo, similar to what you’d get from shallow cuts or abrasions. getting heavily tattooed was part of how I broke my cycle of self harm- I realized I could get that sensation in other ways. it’s almost the same chemicals released as a “runner’s high”- so just speaking from personal experience, running and getting tattooed are both good ways to get that little kick, without doing more damage.
- come prepared to comfort yourself. your favorite blanket, pillow, headphones, dress in comfy clothes. self-soothing is totally welcomed in my space, I will never mock you for making sure you’re comfortable and feeling safe. bring a snack as well, or something you like to munch or drink (no booze!) you can bring a friend or come alone- whatever makes you feel safer.
me getting my upper arms worked on.
if you need further information, email me, or, preferably, comment below. I’ll try to answer any comments I get here as quickly as I can.
“don’t cover them”
it goes without saying that SH/SI is dangerous and you shouldn’t do it. we all know that. but I know, and you know, that sometimes it’s a thing we do to cope, and we can’t just stop until you find better ways to cope with all the bullshit life throws at us. I hope we all find better ways to cope, I hope everyone reading this is able to find things that help. I did-and if I can do a thing I am damn sure that you can do the thing.
I understand that it takes time and work so again-don’t feel ashamed. It’s just a thing some of us do. Be as safe as you can be.
(sterile saline wound wash, steri-strips, and clean hands help a lot)
xox
using a scar as a design element
after. the indentation and raised areas become an asset to the design
have a heart, NRA.
- In 911, deep thoughts, ethics, pictures, politics,
Originally published on 06/24/2012.
I don’t really think I need to re-state my position on gun control laws, since it’s obvious that I am a gun owner, and that I think owning weapon is a right, not a privilege.
However, I want to re-state them anyway.
I think everyone who has not committed a violent crime should be permitted to own whatever weapons they choose, without having to register them or alert the government. I see the need for background checks; it only takes ten minutes to run a name and see any violent convictions on someone’s record. I see no need for waiting periods, for anything else.
I am very, very lefty. I’m basically a retired anarchist; I would still love to live in a gift economy, but I do not think this can happen during my lifetime, so I’ve modified my actions based on what I think is possible to accomplish.
I believe in spending public funds on welfare, schools, higher education, and healthcare for all citizens. I believe that religion has no place in ANY publicly-funded system or in ANY politics. I think that people who want abortion to be illegal are idiots. I think that patriarchy is bad, that our culture is set up in many wrong ways. I believe in class warfare, unions as a concept, the rights of workers, and of the underclass to act out. I dislike the way we use our military to screw up other areas of the world, and I think our policies are a direct result of corruption and patriarchy. In other words, I’m not right-wing, I am NOT republican, and I am NOT in favor of god, the bible, and apple pie. I’m basically a commie pinko.
So- while I agree with some things the gun lobbyists stand for- such as my right, and everyone else’s right to bear arms- I can’t donate any money to them, can’t support them in any way, because when I go to an NRA site and see people rooting for assholes who would put me in prison for my reproductive choices, or touting some bullshit flag-waving nonsense about how we should bomb “camel jockeys”, or condescension to female members or participants-
Well, that just sucks, and all of that is what I am against, and passing laws to restrict what I can do with my body is just as repressive as passing laws to restrict what weapons and means of defense I can own, and you guys, THAT is some BULL SHIT. Women want to bear arms too. As do socialists, abortion providers and people who have had abortions, pro-choice folks, people who aren’t in favor of recent wars, people who dislike racism and sexism- we carry too. So putting us down on the regular is just foolish.
Now I’ve said my piece for the day. Time for more coffee, I think. Again, I know that speaking out means some people won’t buy my art, or like me, or whatever. That’s ok. Fuck it- I’d rather just speak my mind and be broke (because people who agree with me are poor) than keep my mouth shut and pander for the sake of a few bucks.
SYTYN zine, 1993
- In 911, brag, geek, hobo, old school, pictures, politics, true stories,
When I was much younger I put together about ten issues of a zine.
This was in the early 90s, when such things were able to be picked up at bookstores, record stores, and the like.
I loved zines, loved them so much.
I built this with the assistance of my good friend and roommate Jen, she wrote a lot of stuff and drew things.
It’s amazing to look back and see how much and also how little my politics and deeper feelings have changed over the years.
more after the jump…
The Secret Soul of America
I know a lot of folks from other nations who have a poor perception of Americans. They usually refer to wars, police actions, attacks, and poor choice of presidents as their reason for believing something terrible about us. They are missing the key to changing all those terrible things we do-
We are not bad people. In fact, we have a secret soul.
I know, you’re thinking of the blues, or of rap, or of Mark Twain, or about our affable naivetie. This is not what I mean.
Mr. Rogers. He is, in fact, the secret soul of the US.
(more after the jump)
skinny women are evil, fat women are lazy. (or, SEA CREATURES UNITE!)
I don't care if you're skinny and covered in shag rug. I love you anyway.
Lately, I’ve been seeing a lot of stuff addressing the lack of larger or fat women in advertising, as symbols of beauty. It’s good in a way to see more of this, because the focus on one body type in media can be really disturbing. The implications that anyone bigger than the models is sick, lazy, or unhealthy; that fat women are all ugly, these aren’t right and need changing. I really think it’s good to raise awareness about body image, and to show women of all different sizes as beautiful and feminine.
That said, I also find it disturbing that many of these essays portray thin women as “anorexic” “unreal” and “nonexistent”. Look, I do know that the use of photoshop and the like has made images of impossible women pretty damn common. And yes, a lot of celebrities have eating disorders. But this isn’t always the case. By portraying thin women as unhealthy, sick, or unreal, you are continuing body shame. You are doing the exact same thing to other women that media has done to you, and it’s just as rotten.You’re continuing the cycle of abuse. Yes, you. You were hurt, so now, you’ll hurt others. For shame?