Here’s an old timey post for you guys. Tattoo artists that like old-timey stuff will recognize some of the in-jokes here that others might not- I kind of wrote it for you guys as a joke anyway, but these directions WILL work…so enjoy. You can actually buy prints of this guy here, YES PLEASE FUCKING BUY ONE I AM A FUCKING BROKE HOBO.

How to make an extremely old-timey picture

1.First, You have to brew coffee.

Good strong coffee.

The kind your grandpa would make at a hobo camp.

Coffee that will put hair on your chest.

Shit your sister would never drink.

The kind of coffee that people see in the glass and look confused about.

Brew your coffee first and brew it strong,

Not only will it keep you alert throughout this process, and taste better with whiskey in it,

but we’re going to use it as a dye.

2. Then, pour into a tray. Soak some cardstock or watercolor paper in the coffee,
crumpling it and savaging it at random, if you are in a foul mood. or just soak it flat if you feel pretty amiable.

3.Lay the paper out on a towel or other handy surface, to dry out a bit. You want the paper to be just about totally dry when you start working with it. Not damp, just chilly. You’ll notice that the crumpled scapegoat paper looks kind of cool.

4.Next find yourself some reference, or using your brain and its own images, start drawing in light pencil on the paper. I used a 6h pencil so it would be very faint.

If you use a hard pencil don’t get too angry at the paper.

You’ll rip it to bits.

If you’re using a softer pencil go ahead and be a jerk to it.
Then take a small soft filbert brush, dip it into black waterfproof ink, and draw some more.

Right over all the pencil marks.

I use either FW or higgins ink, for this.

5.I have used reference for my hooter picture. Whatever you are drawing, remember that you only have a few minutes before the yard bulls show up and stick ya in the pokey, so hurry the fuck up.
Keep it extremely simple.

6.I mean real simple. You can use watercolor black from the tube. Or you can use some liquid watercolors.

Or you can use kid’s paint, dry watercolors, although those are a pain in the ass. I suppose you can also use sharpie or prismacolor with alcohol on the brush, too, but those dry really fast, too fast for me to do old timey stuff with them. They do have the benefit of using up your whiskey spit.

Here is my ink and brush- as you can see, my brush is flattened and curly? That’s because I’m too lazy to clean them up right away, so they sit in the water til they dry out weird and curly. Don’t do that.

7.I usually lay in the darkest areas first, then come back through with a dry brush and smooth out the edges, then with a only very slightly damp brush I moisten the edges of that again, making it blend. it doesn’t take long and you don’t need water- it’s easier to use a damp sweaty hand or your spit to do it. if you are drinking your coffee like you should be then your hands will be nice and sweaty by now. I know a lot of people will have the unbearable urge to wet the paper then paint onto it, like you’re supposed to use watercolors.

WE’RE NOT DOING THINGS THAT WAY IN HERE, GO BACK TO WETCANVAS FORUMS.

8.At this point, just crank up the music and keep going. you wanna
keep it minimal.

Suggested music would include baby gramps, tom waits (early works, or like bone-machine)
I actually think I did way too much on this one, way more shading and fucking around than I should have.

The simpler, the smoother, the less work, the better with this stuff.

If you mess up somewhere, just find a way to hide it with more black.

That’s what it’s there for, right? I guess if I was truly old timey I’d be using lampblack soot, dirt, and saliva  to make the picture.

I try to get pretty close, anyway.

Eventually, you will come to believe you are finished, or the yard goat’s light will pick you out, and you’ll have to stop with the feverish sweating and blending.

9.Now, since you’ve come so far, finish out any little things you got confused about,or forgot to do, while you were blending.

Like his fucking feet and the perch.

Everything will probably look a little rough and shitty at this point. It helps when doing this kind of artwork to make sure your lighting is inadequate, and that you have someone sitting near you drinking and exclaiming at random intervals,
and that you work on a shitty piece of uneven wood, or at least a stained old clipboard precariously balanced
on your knees.

Markers are only considered cheating if you do them with your right hand.

roughed out

10.Now if you want to be schmancy, you can pick a few spots and put a color in it. One color. What do you think this is, art school?
One color only. Remember, you’re a bindlestiff, a wayfarer, a gandy…you ain’t got no room for paint pots in that sack, kiddo. One color. It’s not even 1940 yet, so simmer down.

I like to use red everytime. Feel free to use green, yellow, or brown if you prefer.

No blue, no purple, definitely no hot pink- you’re in the wrong place to get fancy.

Put a dot where you think the darkest red should be.

11.Do this for every place red will go.Then use the almost all the way-dry brush you’ve been chewing on, to blend them out. I like to make the areas of color into little half-circles.

12.Wow, that’s come along pretty far. Looks nice and clean. At this point I usually would put on a monocle and top hat.

No matter what you are drawing, just go ahead and do it,
trust me, monocle and top hat.

Man, if you can give it a cigarette in a long holder, even better.

The closer you get to the monopoly guy, the better.

You want the art to be classy, goddamnit.

If you can’t do a monocle and top hat, whatever you do, DON’T ADD A MUSTACHE-

This is old timey, not HIP.

13.At this point, get out a thin liner brush, or a permanent black non-water soluble marker,and clean up the edges of the black and all the lines.

Now if you want to be a dick you can add a bunch of crap around it. This one looks like a capitalist pig owl to me, so I’m giving him a name and a joke.

It’s a shitty joke, I know.

No really. I know.

You will be tempted to draw blood, or if you are a tattoo”er” some raindrops, around the object. Resist this temptation!!!
Your picture should be a combination of items that is humorous to you, and you alone.

that means no unicorns, no mustaches, no ironic shit.

Nothing that popular modern culture would enjoy

(says the one painting an owl in a top hat)

14.Now get a damp, really damp rag, and a candle, and set that shit on fire!

15.The rag is for putting out the fire, so that you only burn the parts
of your page that seem useless to you, or where it would look cool to have a singe.

You need the rag.

I should make it very clear that if you’re kind of half-assedly following the instructions and didn’t bother to get a damp rag you might be kind of fucked right now,

because you set your shiny new art on fire.

That’ll teach you to follow instructions.

16.Bet you like it so far, huh?
Think you did a good job?
That’s some kinda cool picture?

BULLSHIT, IT’S GARBAGE!
THROW IT THE FUCK AWAY!
YOU SAD SACK OF SHIT,
YOU CAN’T DRAW!!!

UGH SERIOUSLY YOU SUCK!

JUST CRUMPLE THAT WASTE OF TIME INTO A BALL AND THROW IT AT A POKEY OR A COP!

IT’S NO GOOD FOR ANYTHING ELSE!

Damn, I was just kidding!
Sheesh, man, try to have a thicker skin!
Why you gotta be so worried
about what I think, anyway? flatten that
thing out again, let me get a closer look.

Go easy on it. I mean it’s still kind of-

oops oh shit hey I’m sorry-

Hey waittaminute…ok

dry that crap off with the rag. the burny rag.

You really needed that rag.

17. Crumple it up, flatten it out,
spill coffee all over the back of it,
and let it soak for a few. Don’t do this
until ALL the paint has dried completely.
That looks right out of a hobo museum.

Good show, sir, good show.

Originally Published on: Nov 12, 2007