excerpt from “through the looking glass”, an article by Mary Cecil about her experience with psychosis and commitment

Mary Cecil voluntarily committed herself to an institution in the early 1950s. This account was published in its entirety in Encounter, in 1956. Again, the article is excerpted from the book “The Inner World of Mental Illness”.

(for other excerpts, see here, or here)

After a fortnight in a sort of reception ward in the mental hospital, I complained to the doctor that nothing was being done. They didn’t appear to appreciate the urgency of the position. There was I, helpless in the hands of a fiend from Hell and anything might happen any minute. (Ms. Cecil believes that a hallucinated voice is the Devil, sent to harass her.) The Hospital ambled through its days, sweeping us off to Occupational Therapy or out to grass, as the mood took it. One might be suddenly singled out and, eager with hope, be subjected to a blood test or some flippancy like that.

“Ah, but we’re doing so much for you,” the doctor said earnestly…”In fact,” the doctor continued fatly, “we’re going to give you some injections. You’ll be moved to another ward.”

I’d learned already that it was a waste of time asking questions. Psychiatrists thrive on their air of mystery. Anyway, the fact of strange surroundings was enough. In this ward there had been some outbursts from explosive patients. …I noticed that the more obstreperous patients were dragged off, protesting violently, to some outer dungeon spoken of in whispers as the Villa. I added that to my fears and redoubled my attempts to appear totally harmless.

She discusses insulin treatment she received after being transferred to the next ward- a treatment used commonly at that time.

After tea I saw a lady doctor who said I was to have some injections. I saw myself ablaze with vitamins in next to no time. At bedtime the men disappeared into one dormitory and we women into another, so that was all right. Just as I was getting into bed I noticed a sheet marked the Villa. There was a curious taste in my mouth, had I been tricked into the place? Heart thudding, I gazed out the window and saw a small building by itself. “That’s the Villa,” breathed the woman in the next bed.

(more…)

insomnia.

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When I was a kid, I stayed up all night and was exhausted every morning. I lay in bed, wide awake, waiting to sleep.

Now I don’t know for sure if it is a result of chemicals in my brain, anxiety from some trauma I have long forgotten, or just a natural state for me, but at night I am wide eyed and alert. I think clearly, I work better and harder, I thrive. When the sun comes up I begin to yawn, and I would, if I could, sleep always on a late-afternoon wake-up schedule.

I think there is some kind of name for this. I don’t know if it’s delayed sleep phases, or what. But, also, over time my sleep gets a tiny bit later, and later, and later. until I have come full circle and I wake up at 8 AM! I have tried every means to control this sleep mayhem and haven’t found a way yet.

Right now, I take ambien one night- lunesta the next- temazepam the next, then start over. I don’t want to get tolerant of my sleeping pills, I want them to keep working for me.

I guess the only reason I even try to make a day schedule or any normal one is that I like to be able to go to work and tattoo people! And I can’t wake up at 5pm and do much of that…

So I keep trying for a somewhat normal schedule. I’d love to go to sleep at three AM, wake up at noon. That’s nine whole hours. I usually get ten hours, but I could do with nine, right?

I mean, the hours I am awake I work, I do all the things anyone else would do in the daytime, in the morning.

If I could survive just selling non-tattoo artworks, I could stop fighting my sleep schedule, and maybe that would make a difference. But I don’t know for sure, I’ve never done that.

Well, here’s to all of you wide-eyed people under the stars. You’re not alone. If you have any advice, ideas, or experiences of your own with insomnia (especially lifelong insomnia) feel free to overload the comments below, I would love to hear about your sleep struggles.

It’ll be more fun than counting sheep, I promise.

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