I love you, Stephen King. And I hate you.

I am in the eye of a bad movie hurricane. I’ve got the chest flu. I’m prone to it- when I was a kid I used to get bronchitis every year. I haven’t had it in about two years now so I am due for a bad dose.

So here I am. Short of breath and worn down with fever. What better solution than to watch every single Stephen King movie ever made?

I have read just about all of his books over the years. I was a very literate kid and read cujo when I was probably too young. I don’t like all his writing but many of his books are huge influences on my reading and writing- and his movies are no different.

I’ve got every movie he’s made. I’m going to watch them all while I absorb vicks vapo-rub and hot tea and soup. I’m going to figure out why some of his work made such excellent movies and why some is just. . . Unwatchable garbage.

And I’m going to share the whole process with you. Lucky you.

So far today I have watched desperation, Salem’s lot, storm of the century, thinner, and tommyknockers. Before you imply that starting at the bottom isn’t giving King a fair chance, let me remind you that I have not watched langoliers OR the stand, yet.

Why are all of the movies I’ve watched today just so damn awful? I mean, Desperation was kind of a shitty book and heavy-handed…so I couldn’t expect much from that. But the rest? Salem’s lot and tommyknockers were both great books. And thinner, while not his very best, at least had some meat to it.

Where did things fall apart for these films?

Next post will have some explanations, or as close as I can get to reasons.