horror reviews day 2: slither? no.

only one movie tonight: growth

1: I’ve seen that before. Slither? It’s a nice effect, parasites in the skin.

2: diabetes

3: I love a good news-montage intro. There’s something about it that makes me start to believe the movie could be real, this is how things first get scary in real life most of the time (unless you’re right on the scene)

4: ok, you’re going to use leeches to make people into super-people. I’m sure nothing will go wrong. this part of the intro is not as good, but then again, if we’re getting into scientific hubris I suppose an info dump is how it’s done. it just feels like this is half of the movie I wanted to watch, crammed into 30 seconds. this isn’t a sequel, there’s no excuse.

5: slither. it’s slither, but with “man playing god” instead of “aliens”

6: no service on the phones. will they have cell service with no explanation later? maybe.

7: by all means go back to an island that had some wild outbreak, and where people still apparently live? who are these people living there? how can they sell a house there? IT WAS ON THE NEWS

8: second outbreak, who’d a thunk it. and yes leave her alone in there? the hell. why are there “townspeople” on a damn plague island? the idea that it can’t be sold makes more sense and I believe it.

9: we’ve already seen a corpse and a violent murder, you can say “shit”.

10: these creatures are flappy. I like it. if they start sexing, they’re dead.

11: told ya. dude’s doomed.

12: oh please equalize these movies. the sonic blast of sound after people whispering for fifteen minutes! I use subtitles but it still got through.

13: so all this outbreak was NOT on the news? also: “parasites feed on adrenaline” is a great quote. also also: get in the damn car to the doctor, don’t look for cell service.

14: these leeches are cool. accordions are cool but are not a substitute for backstory.

15: why are you kidding a man that was just vomiting all over himself.

16: I would murder that alarm clock.

17: they don’t put him in a car to go the doctor, and now this infected island is his getting… threads of leeches from his leg. and he’s not getting laid twice. it doesn’t work that way. or wait- in slither, dude got a lady on the side. guess he will get laid twice.

18: I love the intuition. all right, it’s better than it was a minute ago. matrix fight scene included.

19: yep, slither. will she end up full of parasites, hidden in a barn, the size of a whale? hongry? looks like it.

20: using practical effects in a movie like this looks AMAZING after too much CGI

21: what in the entire wicker man remake is this shit

22: WORM MAN IN A LITTLE COAT

23: he’s walking. she’s running. for fuck sake. that’s some early horror we-don’t-know-better shit. there’s no reason a recent movie should do this, ever.

24: that’s two penetrative acts of violence so far.

25: again: why is anyone living on this island.

26: n95 masks, and they’re going to… beat him up. solid plan?

27: WORM MAN

28: I’m not going to show you worm man, but here’s an arm being turn off to be used as a weapon.

29: town sheriff just looks tired as hell. just has to keep shooting everyone, it’s the only thing he’s done in this movie.

30: shades of reanimator going on here. that’s pretty good. mad doctors and leeches. we already know the antidote’s in that stupid doll. just saunter out while he gives a monologue for the ages, excellent.

31: suddenly it’s a zombie movie, somehow it’s still not on the news.

32: diabetes to the rescue.

33: the CGI is really bad. it’s been, the whole time. I wish horror would go back to relying more on practical effects, with CGI used for anything BUT the monster/gore. my little website badly reviewing this one movie probably doesn’t mean much, but it’s how I feel.

34: oh here come the monologues.

35: what the hell kinda creature WANTS you to eat it

36: WHY ISN’T THIS BABY FULL OF LEECHES

37: oh of course it’s about a baby. thing should be full of leeches, but it’s now the central motivation. how about getting your brother the antidote? how about that? no. just a random baby.

38: shades of children of men. usually that would be a compliment but not now.

39: never make a sequel. this hint at it is bad.

6/10. I’m being generous because I loved slither. bad CGI, used way too much. bad ending notes. poorly built characters. half the movie is missing or contained in info dumps. good idea though.