on becoming outgoing

the ghost writerI used to be really, really shy.

I went through years of just never talking to anyone, just going home after work. Reading. Spending time alone or with one or two friends. Then I went through a long, angry phase of hating people who were social. That lasted a while.

At some point, BAM! I was no longer so shy.

As soon as I didn’t care what anyone thought, things got a lot easier. If someone doesn’t like me, it doesn’t really matter. I mean of course there are people that I’d like to have like me- I still don’t feel all the way happy in a crowd- but now, it’s discomfort, a bit of anxiety, whereas before it was crippling and it kept me alone most of the time.

Of course some people don’t like me much, now that I am a loudmouth. But then again…some people wouldn’t have liked me no matter what I did.


youth of today

I once came to the conclusion that I usually have dated younger men because men my age are bitter old farts who just want to complain or make babies. I don’t think this is true in all cases but …

I do enjoy being around someone my own age and when I go out with guys my age or close to it I get really happy because the weird stuff I think about they just…get it right away. There’s no explaining why “piano wire and a block of ice” is a funny reference when I see an emo kid, or why singing a certain riff from xray spex is awesome, why long duck dong said fast makes me giggle, why I think jocks suck, or or or…

I was born in the early 70s. I remember watching the monkees on tv. I remember brown and orange and avocado green rugs. I remember not worrying about accepting candy from strangers (much). I remember a lot of stuff that just…doesn’t exist after about 1981.

And I was just old enough during the 80s to finally take part in the culture. Like during the 70s I listened to the music my parents played, but once I was 12 or 13 I started getting my own records and watching my own movies that I liked. I started being able to create and participate in my cultural environment, and ever since certain things have had a very warm place in my heart.

I was a geeky, dirty, awkward kid. I didn’t have a lot of friends. Then I went to a punk rock show and people talked to me! Nobody really cared what I looked like, because I could write and draw and add and was smart. They made me tapes, took me in when stuff was rough at home, and showed me how to spike my hair. I found people that cared about the same stuff I cared about…I tried many ways of living. I experimented with my own life in ways I never would have thought were possible without their influences.

I tried everything.

I still do.

I wonder how it is for people younger than me- if the roles we cut out for ourselves then broke in that scene ever carried over? If they feel stuffed into boxes, if any of them escape how we did? In groups or alone? I see very few younger people that are really different from the majority … I see few leading the way to the future, really thinking about it. I like it a lot when I DO see it, though.

I hope I haven’t lost all my vanity, enthusiasm, all my drive to change the world. I’m doing it in different ways of course but I still have hope that it can be done…and that I think is what I miss in men my own age or older. I love extremism, idealism…I want more of that. No matter someone’s age.

This is really just more rambling. Glad you guys keep reading it all…I don’t know how you manage.



originally written in june, 2010

A day

It’s one of those days when i realize there’s very little point, and give up. Fighting the current is tiring. See you when i dive back in.


Innawoods pictures, 8/13.

The end-of-summer trip.


car vape


backwoods handicrafts. grass tiedown.


My dog is a bit paranoid.

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also yes, I’m going to clip his toenails right NOW. yeesh, they grow like weeds.

Charity work, part one- Women.

51b6a0c0 (64)Tomorrow I’ll be doing some charity work for a group I highly admire, who have assisted me personally in the past.

If you’ve ever been the victim of a sexual assault, RAINN can help. They even have online chat support, people you can talk to online. This is pretty good news for a lot of people- part of the way an abusive situation can manifest is in agoraphobia, or fear of the telephone. For some people even being able to call for help is impossible. And for those people, RAINN provides an online support mechanism.

If you need help, to get away from an abusive situation, or to get help coping with a past sexual assault or abuse, follow this link http://rainn.org/get-help/national-sexual-assault-online-hotline to the online support group.


If you want to help, you can become a volunteer for the new National Sexual Assault Online Hotline and be a part of this generation’s most innovative source of support for victims of sexual violence. For more info, and to sign up, visit http://www.rainn.org/get-involved/volunteer-for-RAINN/ohl-volunteer.


I owe them my life, pretty much. I have for many years. I am finally settled in with a kindly, gentle man, in a safe place, without any of the troubles I have at other times had in my life. I’m capable of helping, finally. If you too can, please do!


I’ll be posting my charity plans/works weekly as I go through the summer. My next charity post will be Animals, and time spent volunteering at the shelter.

Vapor, nicotine juices, flavor thoughts, and summertime is coming.

I'm the brownish one.

I’m the brownish one.

I have tried a ton of flavors now. I use a regular 510 atomizer for dripping when I taste new flavors.

I originally posted this list to another site via my profile there. figured some of you might like to see it.

Where I haven’t indicated otherwise, these are all 0 extra flavor shots, highest available VG content, and 24 mg nicotine content.

Things I have liked a TON:

  • MBV: sweet cream, high VG, 2 extra shots. I liked this right away, it’s a very simple flavor, and when steeped becomes solid but still simple. this is my in-between flavor, an all-day vape if I am not in the mood for anything complex.
  • Archvapor “special”: My first setup was a gift from a redditor ( /u/DangerousFat [+1][1] , thanks!!! again) and it came with a small bottle of this. It’s been on constant rotation ever since, for me. It replaced that strong tobacco craving I had at the start. I bought a huge bottle of it that I let steep and have used ever since.
  • ECblend carrot: Sounds odd, but it is sweet and crisp. After steeping a bit, it’s just like a glass of carrot juice. I mix this with home-made ginger VG extract, for extra oomph, but it’s good on its own. I like it on hot days.
  • Panda RY4: I am not a big fan of the other panda flavors I’ve tried, but this is just simple, sweet, and has enough bite to be good. I ran out fast.
  • The Vaporchef’s honey nut tobacco: this is another ADV. It is nutty, and jjjuuuust sweet enough. It’s better after a few days of waiting but I always start in on it right away. This is another one I got a big bottle of.
  • MBV graham cracker: Dry, and good. It is for when I am eating something sweet/drinking something sweet and don’t want a sugar overload. It’s very good as a vape with coffee, too. It’s got a really definite graham flavor. I got it with an extra flavor shot.
  • Vixen vapors: honeysuckle. Oh lawdy. I will need more of this. It’s not even steeped! No perfumey flavor, just straight sugary flower taste.


new stuff I’ve discovered in my vaporizing time.

  • Cigarettes don’t taste very good. I can’t finish one now.
  • Every single memory I have, besides really fuzzy small-child ones, are ones that involve smoking. I don’t think I’ve done anything in my whole life without a lit cigarette hanging out of my mouth. Until recently, every single moment was punctuated by a smoke.
  • I still roll down the car window to vape, just like I did when smoking- even though there’s no reason for it.
  • If you started out by buying blu stuff, you can use those cartomizers they sell at the gas station on an ego battery.
  • You can also refill those things with better quality nicotine juice if for some reason all your other gear stops working.
  • If you bought clearomizers and they stop working, you can take them apart and clean them…
  • You can also take them apart and completely destroy them and have to get new ones.
  • I like drip tips. I like chewing on something when I “smoke”. I used to clench and chomp on the filter of my cigarettes, too. Bitey. They make cheap plastic ones that make it easier to chew them to shreds, otherwise I’d have broken all my teeth off on the steel ones by now.
  • VCV is hip. They have the cheapest beginner set-up ever right now. No, they didn’t pay me to say that, but if they want to, I’ll take it. This is the basics you need, all the stuff I recommended in my past post about this stuff…for like 15 bucks. And their juices are delicious.
  • If you can’t taste your vaporizer juices, chew on an unused tampon and it will cure it.
  • Switching from smoking to vaping is easier than it sounds.
  • I still don’t smoke marijuana, but I like reading about people making stuff out of it.
GAH. and yes, that's one of those little flosser things for your teeth.

GAH. and yes, that’s one of those little flosser things for your teeth.

I fully destroyed half my gear today. I am definitely not now and have never been very mechanically-minded. I mean, I once tried lost wax and sand casting machine frames, and almost killed everyone in the workshop (don’t ask) and I have been known to fix a tattoo machine by throwing it against the wall, cursing it with vile imprecations. (It worked perfectly after that). I think moonbeams repair cell phones, and I firmly believe little gremlins in a plastic case are the reason my laptop functions.

trying out some new mechanical equipment and hating every minute of it.

trying out some new mechanical equipment and hating every minute of it.

I once tried to build a PC, too. Franenstein kind of works, but he lives in the basement and is not allowed to be fed electricity.

And I can’t wait until PVs are just as fiddle-free as all the other things I use regularly and have no clue about.

(My car is the exception to all this. A lifetime of poverty and strangeness has forced me to know how a car basically works and the life-sustaining things I must do to it. Not that I want to, or that I will if there’s a mechanic I can afford- but I know how. It wasn’t fun to get to this level of knowledge though, and I’d almost rather NOT understand why you shouldn’t take every sparkplug wire off an 8-cylinder van all at once to replace them.)

the baron.

the baron.

something else I made today- and a quick up for PV using instead of smoking.

I haven’t smoked in two days, and I’ve smoked a single pack of cigarettes in the past week. I finally got good gear for PV/ecig use, so I haven’t felt the urge to smoke.

I can also see this becoming an all-consuming side hobby for me. I made these little desk-props for my pvs today out of polyclay. I plan to paint them (one’s a dick, one’s tits, and one is an eye)…maybe I’ll make a few more too, that are a little more interesting or fleshed-out.

PV e-cig desk prop or holders

I spent a day at Neptune, south of Yachats on the coast.

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