motivation.

23992_336294633370_1510191_nI have always had trouble with motivation. I have great ideas, and understand what I ought to be doing at any given time, but actually DOING it is sometimes a struggle. I suppose this comes with the territory of depression, but I hate it. Over the years I’ve tried everything, just about. Here are a couple things that have worked for me.

1.Put on your shoes.

I just- put my shoes on. This means something to my mind, apparently, because once my shoes are on, I start doing things almost right away, I don’t know why this works, but it does. Socks are a half measure and will get me to the kitchen for coffee but no further. Pants will get me from the bed to the couch. But shoes? I’ll end up doing something useful within an hour or so.

2.Close the bathroom door and turn the water on in the sink.

I have had a long hard fight with maintaining hygiene over the years. If I don’t think to myself “I’m gonna brush my teeth” but simply go into the bathroom and lock the door, then turn on the water…somehow I immediately brush my teeth. It’s like the shoes- it just works. I don’t let myself think about it. I just turn on the water as soon as I go in there. I usually have to use the bathroom right away when I wake up, so I turn the water on right when I walk in. I know it wastes a little water to have it run for a minute, but it’s the way that works, and I stick with what works these days.

3. Keep medicine next to the bed.

This works for me because I take my medicine in the morning and at night, not during the day. Except for one medicine, which I just take with me.

4. Don’t bring your laptop or phone to bed with you.

You will HAVE to get up to entertain yourself. Even just to entertain yourself. It’s way too easy to start reading something online and laze around with it.

5. Don’t rush.

I have been waking up at least an hour before I have to get ready, this past year. This gives me time to slowly wake, to get my head together before I have to get out of bed. I can get pants on and socks and get coffee early then relax for a while if I want, but on days when I really need to kind of slowly rise from the depths, it’s a lifesaver.

6. Have your clothes ready and some food ready for the morning.

Since I am at my perkiest right before bed, I grab my clothes for the next day and set them out. I try to also put out the things I need to make food with in the morning too. In fact, the more nighttime-me is considerate of morning-me, the easier mornings become.

As for cleaning the house and stuff, I have no idea. I go long times not wanting to do anything, and then suddenly have a zeal for it and will whirlwind my whole house. Sometimes just one area, sometimes everything over the course of a few days. I am still figuring that one out. Any suggestions?

 

 

(this post was originally drafted, in a much shorter form, on: May 15, 2012)

The Baron has an adventure, movies in Portland, and tattoo artists save the day.

As I was driving north from Roseburg, the Baron (my volvo) started behaving strangely- he was running hot, too hot. After a while it got so bad I stopped, and called in the cavalry. My friend Rachel came and got me, and I stayed at her house with her and her manfriend Zack (one of my favorite people!) and their tiny, insane dogs. Kozmo made some friends.

they don't hold still, they're insane little dogs.

they don’t hold still, they’re insane little dogs.

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guarding the precious

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the Baron gets a ride

In the morning, Jimmy drove up and we picked up a water pump. He helped me get a mechanic friend of his to put it in, and basically took care of it all. He also got his girlfriend some wicked futuristic wipers for her car.

Then the Baron got a ride. Kozmo guarded the new water pump until the mechanic friend could pick up the Baron. Once the Baron got his ride, I went to Bruki’s house and hung out in her awesome blanket fort.

 

After a day in Bruki’s (AMAZING) fort, all seemed well. I started out again and made it almost to Portland before again, the Baron started acting strangely.

Every time I went uphill, or accelerated, he’d shudder. He’d stutter. He’d strain and eventually surge. It was bad, and I knew it couldn’t be long before real trouble started.

Sure enough, I nearly stalled out on the bridge to Vancouver, WA. I pulled over at a motel sign, thinking I’d grab a room for the night and get a mobile mechanic in the morning. The motel, however, was in Murder Town, and was completely boarded up and not even open (despite its gigantic, glowing sign).

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the ubiquitous rag

I sent out a call for help, and sure enough, one of my tattoo-babies, Austin, showed up. We spent about an hour under the overhang at a gas station, on speakerphone with my mechanic in Spokane, tinkering and testing. Since one of the springs is missing from the hood, we propped it up with my clamming shovel. I put on my murder gloves, and Austin grabbed a handy (ubiquitous) rag and some sketchy tools.

After an hour, with no solution in view, we taped up a randomly-split hose we noticed and limped, in the pouring rain, to his house.
I passed out on their couch, and in the morning had some coffee after Austin and his lady friend had left for their pedicures (true story). Fortuitously, right near their house is a volvo mechanic shop! They took my car in on priority, and spent the day diagnosing.
The Baron should be in fighting trim tomorrow morning, and I shall be off to Seattle (two days late).

NAME THAT FILM

NAME THAT FILM

I can’t say it’s been terrible. I mean I’m anxious about my car, and bummed over the appointments I had to bump, but I also have enjoyed seeing a few of my favorite people and watching weird movies with them, and drinking good coffee in their houses. Kozmo made a ton of new creature friends, and I decided on my next tattoo.I know this isn’t a great art or tattoo post, but I’m on the road, and when you’re on the road you take what you can get.

Also I discovered that Jimmy, Rachel, and Austin are definitely the cavalry, and along with Zack and Bruki, all really good peeps. Thanks for having my back, you guys. 

Dr. Seuss and childfree artists.


I am childfree, and do not feel comfortable around, nor interested in, kids.

They disturb my mind in many ways. I do not have interest in them.

I do however remain childlike as myself; my life is lived even now as a Ville Villekulla, a bright and giddy place full of friends and art and craft and fun, and freedom. I live now the way I dreamt I would live when I was a child. I have built the life of my youthful daydreams into reality around me like a coiled shell.

It satisfies me.

Dr. Seuss had little interest in children. He found them disturbing to his peace of mind, he stated that he was opposed to the population boom, and he rarely made time for children in his life. He and his wife had no children, didn’t want them.

.

(Originally Published on: Oct 26, 2011)

He lived in his imaginary world IN REAL LIFE, and the cares and concerns and woes that a child requires would not allow those things to stand. So he stayed away from children, for the most part.

“Adults are just obsolete children and the hell with them both.””~Dr. Seuss

He did not enjoy the noise and commotion of children, and thought that perhaps if they were encouraged to use their minds and their imaginations instead of screeching and leaping around, they would become more capable and interesting adults one day.

“This book is to be read in bed.” 
― Dr. Seuss

Theodore Giessel was a very active man with unlimited skills in doggerel and inking strange creatures to fit. He was childfree- he had no children and wanted none.

.

.. (more…)

Signing and packing the Horrors!

Spent the day and night signing and packing and prepping every copy of the Horrors that’s been ordered so far.

I am covered in papercuts, I have emptied several large gel pens, and ran out of labels. I’ve got about fifty signed copies left after packing these all up. You can order them here: http://resonanteye.net/2014/08/22/the-horrors-orders/

I have to go soak my wrist now.

GO BUY ONE AND SHARE THE LINK AND MAKE ME GET MORE PAPERCUTS FROM THESE EVIL ENVELOPES PLEASE

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right before the envelopes sliced me up

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tons of paper products, and books

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I’ve been defeated

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ready to go

new works, and some things I've been up to in Seattle

 

new prints and shirts ^^^

and some random stuff…vvv

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new works, and some things I’ve been up to in Seattle

 

new prints and shirts ^^^

and some random stuff…vvv

cardfront1 10536549_10203260424763644_29020461_n orchids_by_resonanteye-d4cety3

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How you can help me. and other medical nonsense!

If you follow my site or know me personally, you know I have been through some medical hell the past ten months or so.

TMI after the break.

(more…)

how does the darkness feel.

Originally published 02/02/2012.

It is so hard to tell you.

It comes as a wave.  It builds. It is slow, and heavy, and at first it feels as if I can continue to stand in it, and resist the current.

When one’s body is broken, it is visible. Others can see the broken parts sticking out, smell the rot, assess the damage and quantify the exact amount of sympathy, decide upon a course of action. The dark inside is different. The body shows it, yes, but not in ways that can be understood by anyone who has not been sucked under.

The darkness rises, and the current underneath will lift and grab. One’s whole being, the air around, the muscles give way.

Just get up. Just shower and shave and do the dishes and feed the dog and wash the clothes and cook food and pay a bill and go to work and

None of these things are possible. When you’re standing on the shore these are easy things, simple, small things. In the grip of the current the only fight is not to get sucked under completely, to keep the head above the surface enough to steal a breath.

And another, and another. Because you can’t just stop breathing.

I know I should just talk directly about my own experience, here. I know I should be specific. But how can I? How can I?

I have smelled my own stench when a week of the darkness has left me washed up on the shore. I’ve been catatonic- seen shapes in the shadows. I’ve felt pain in places where my body is not. And when the body is hurt, broken, or ill, the darkness knows, and rushes forward to seize its chance.

Being alone, in pain, and having the dark wash up on you is something you must, and most will, experience in life. You cannot understand it until it comes, and when you have been through it you will have changed. The darkness leaves a mark on you that can’t be washed away by all the sunlight and blowing curtains and fresh water you can muster.

It passes, and it’s gone. Once it’s come and gone you know it can come again, though. And that haunted feeling will stay.

Good times are good times. And they are best because the darkness has been and gone. The shadows make all the light around them richer.

 

5am April morning.

I’m up formatting. Insomnia has had me slept through the last few days, up all night at the computer, typing, correcting. I am lucky to have an editor friend who has ripped the thing apart enough for me to repair it to a better standard.

I’ll be working like this until it’s done and sent on, then packing for the road. Wish me luck with both.

image

Magical books and helpful ghosts.

My partner, Hawkins, likes magic. He has a vast library of books on it, and is really interested in magic. Not “wizard” magic- stage magic. Magic tricks. Cards, rabbits in hats, Penn and Teller…that stuff. You know, the Tony Wonder kinda thing.

He has this book, which he bought in the fall sometime.

an "all right" book on magic.

an “all right” book on magic.

Tonight, as we were reading before bed, he remarked that this particular book was full of very helpful notes. One that explained a trick, and another without which the trick in the book couldn’t even be done. “Whoever owned this before was awesome,” he said. I asked to see the book- every page had highlighted notes, little margin scribbles, every page. I flipped to the front to see when the book came out and saw this at the top of the page, as well as an embossed monogram “JMH”

why I'm even making a post about this.

why I’m even making a post about this.

Now, I’m curious as hell about everything. So I turned to the internet and searched.

this guy.

this guy.

“Wow, he was in the Army, and he had a lot of family. Hey he did magic as a hobby and liked books! Sounds like you!” I said. “I guess that’s why they sold the books, he died in June.”
“So his kids probably sold off his library,” Hawkins said. Then he looked thoughtful. “I wonder how many other dead people’s books I’ve got.”
I looked around at the shelves full of old, dusty books on every wall, and said “All of them.”

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