This was done right after I started taking medication for my schizoaffective disorder. I felt like I was doing good work on myself, and this painting I think captures that. I was tinkering with my own mind, but it was not a bad thing. It is a large oil painting, about 4 feet by 3 feet. Sealed with a liquin and then a galkyd glaze, the surface is satin, not glossy.
It represents a higher self, healing/tinkering with me…and me tinkering and healing consciously as well…
I’m not at all religious, but I see my subconscious as a higher self, a “better me”.
And in the painting the figure is smiling, despite the pain, because there is benefit from it no matter how painful the process.
I painted two pieces at this time, this is the more positive one. I also painted “Noncompliance”, another oil painting.
This one is much smaller, and darker.
I painted this when I was in my lowest depression in years; I was waiting for my first appointment with a psychiatrist. I had never been to a shrink before but had suffered terrible blackness again and again throughout my life. I felt like my illness was a separate creature, cornered inside me finally, ready to kill me if it had to, to keep itself alive.
I had fantasies of noncompliance; being prescribed pills that would possibly make me an emotional zombie or destroy my creativity. I was afraid and frankly on the verge of death at my own hand.
I did survive this bleak time, and received proper medication and treatment for my depressions. However the beginning of that process was the scariest time in my entire life.
We all fear change- will it be for the worse, or the better?
When stability is rare, and difficult, the prospect of change can be even more terrifying.
I lucked out and was prescribed the right medication in the right amount fairly quickly; I have a responsive illness, and I want to be stable. Many people don’t have it so easy. Others are pressured by family or friends to stop taking the medicine which keeps them afloat, or can’t afford it.
It’s hard to afford it and it’s hard to take the first steps. For me it’s been worth it.
This is a small oil painting on a stretched canvas. it’s about 9×12″. it is sealed with layers of galkyd glaze.
I plan to make prints of this one.